Today is your lucky day ladies, because I’m going to let you in on a secret. I’m going to tell you about a few things all men think, do and know, but don’t necessarily share with you. So pay attention, because these are the kind of nuggets your man generally won’t volunteer and that will never ever show up in the pages of Cosmo (aka ‘the women’s magazine that contains more crap than the colon of the average contestant on the Biggest Loser’).
Nugget #1: Home Bed Advantage
I went out recently with a beautiful young lady with whom I’ve had an on again off again relationship. We are currently in an “off” phase and it was supposed to be just a casual evening of drinks to catch up, but one drink turned into seven and a “your place or mine” conversation. We were a few blocks away from her place, but a 10-minute subway ride away from mine. Though her apartment was closer, I pushed for the subway ride to my place because I wanted to maximize my home bed advantage and put in some serious work on this girl.
See, her bed, though lovely, is this girly girl thing that is altogether too low to the ground. My bed on the other hand is set at an appropriate altitude allowing for some serious “foot ‘pon shoulder” action. Ladies, if you’re not sure what I mean by “foot ‘pon shoulder” action you’re either having way too much sex at your place and not his or always having the tender “hold me close so I can feel your heart beat kind of sex”(some call this making love). If you still don’t know what I mean, find the nearest Jamaican and ask them to break it down for you.
I’m telling you, most men over the age of 25, have no interest in a bed low to the ground because it limits their capacity to stand up, pick you up and “change the angle” of attack. That is home bed advantage. (For a good take on this subject see Naked With Socks On’s Your Place or Mine?)
Nugget #2: Men Always Want Sex Except When…
If you’ve been reading my posts long enough you’ll know that I strongly believe that we men do not tire of sex and generally want more than we are currently getting in our relationships (see I Feel Like Fucking and Power of Five). However, there are exceptions. Let me give you an example.
It was June 1998 and I had just started seeing this sexy, sexy lady who loved to get down. She lived out of town and one of my visits to see her coincided with the NBA finals. Just as I sat down to watch the game; she started to rub up on my leg. Under normal circumstances I would be all over her like white on rice but THIS WAS THE NBA FINALS, MAN! So I had to say no (plus we’d already had sex in the afternoon) and I promised to give her a little lovin’ later.
She was pissed and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the evening. But hell if I cared, I was in heaven as I watched a thrilling game five. Then, because Sam Sharpe is a smart man, I spent the rest of the night pampering her, treating her like a queen (see Power of Five Pt.2) and even went so far as to promise her it would never happen again.
What I neglected to consider when making this promise is that game six of the NBA finals was just a couple of days away, which leads us to Nugget #3…
Nugget #3: Sometimes We Fake It Too…
and probably for some of the same reasons women do. I know it’s wrong, and like my girl Skye, I generally don’t support faking under any circumstance. But sometimes shit happens. For me, shit was game six of the NBA finals.
So, there I was sitting down to watch game six (which turned out to be one of the three or four definitive games of Michael Jordan’s career) when my girl starts rubbing my leg again. Now, mindful of the promise I made earlier, there was no way I could turn this invitation down, so I did the only thing I could. I commenced putting in the work right there on her living room floor.
I eventually maneuvered my love into the old “woof woof’ position that allowed for a better view of the action on the TV, but I realized that the whole sex thing was still taking away from my enjoyment of the game (and vice versa) so I did what many men before me have done when faced with this predicament: I faked it.
How, you ask? I moaned, I groaned and I sped up my breathing and my motions to mimic the telltale signs of a good climax. My girl, ever aware of the signs, started to give me the old “cum for me” speech that so many of you women are fond of. So I did—it wasn’t real, but how was she to know? I pulled out, slipped off the condom and went to the bathroom to dispose of “the mess”. She was happy, I was happy and most importantly, I was able to pay attention as Michael Jordan hit the game winning shot (to this day, whenever I see replays of that footage I remember the game winning “orgasm” I had that night).
Nugget #4: All Men Know The Size of Their Johnson…
Men know how many goals Alexander Ovechkin scored last year, how fast their car can get from 0 to 60, how many grand slam titles both Tiger Woods and Roger Federer have, how much mileage they can get on a full tank of gas and can brag about the time they drove from Toronto to Montreal in three and a half hours. So do you really believe they don’t know how big their favourite tool is? Please.
Listen, even your parish priest knows if he’s packing heat or if he’s working with a truly mini me. Look, that sound you heard when we posted The Top 10 Ways To Tell He Has A (Very) Small Dick wasn’t a clap of thunder or the sirens of a fire truck. It was the collective exhalation of all our male readers whose dicks are bigger than three and a half inches.
Nugget #5: Cosmo Is Generally Useless But…
sometimes it has good information. For example, their article entitled Why Bad Sex is Shortening Your Life, is a must read for every woman (wink). Anything that convinces you women to have more sex with we men is welcome news.